"The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, 'The Borowitz Report.'"

In the wake of Thursday’s explosive revelations about North Carolina gubernatorial nominee Mark Robinson, JD Vance abruptly cancelled his entire campaign schedule in order to clear his search history.

“All the blood drained from his face,” said an aide who was with Vance when he heard the Robinson news. “I haven’t seen him that panicked since he was asked to choose a donut.”

The campaign tried to project an air of normalcy, particularly after Vance was spotted in a Denny’s parking lot smashing his laptop with a hammer.

But the aide said that the history-clearing episode has left Vance’s staff “rattled,” adding, “It’s creeping us out to think he might be even weirder than we already know.”