"The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, 'The Borowitz Report'."

Donald J. Trump announced on Monday that he had successfully completed the first phase of the Kennedy Center’s renovation by removing its audience.

Arguing that a building cannot undergo construction while people are still in it, Trump revealed that he had spent the past year ensuring that no one would set foot inside the performing arts center for the foreseeable future.

He achieved that goal with blazing efficiency by putting his name on the building, naming himself chairman, and alienating any performing artist one might conceivably pay to see.

Additionally, audiences have steered clear of the Kennedy Center out of fear that they might be seated next to JD Vance.

In a Truth Social post, Trump boasted, “For the past 54 years, the Kennedy Center has been plagued by audiences. I was able to fix that problem in just twelve months!”