"The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report.""

An unskilled Florida man said that he deeply regrets having missed out on the opportunity to be a slave.

The man said that his “lack of access to enslavement” had made his acquisition of essential skills “impossible.”

“Every day when I mess something up at work, I wonder to myself, would I be doing a better job if I’d been a slave?” he said. “There’s no question that it would have been a game-changer for me.”

He argued that being barred from forced servitude was a form of “white underprivilege,” and that Caucasians who suffer from a resulting skills deficit deserve reparations.

“Something must be done to compensate people like me who were unfairly denied the chance to be slaves,” he said. “When I think about the personal benefits I was prevented from obtaining, it makes me furious.”